“Just to make you feel good”: what is emotional nurturing and what is wrong with it?

It is invisible and destructive work.

What is emotional maintenance?

Emotional maintenance (also called emotional labor) is trying to make another person feel good and happy, even by suppressing your feelings and desires. Find someone with whom you could be yourself, a friend, or your love in free christian dating apps

The term originally referred to service workers. It was introduced by sociologist Arlie Hochschild. Anyone who works with customers must smile and remain calm in any situation. Even if a customer behaves inappropriately, you have to block out anger and irritability. Flight attendants, waiters and waitresses, and salespeople not only have to exert themselves mentally and physically but also emotionally, which makes the job more difficult.

As studies show, smiles, friendliness, and attention, even if they don’t come from the heart, are effective when working with customers. They feel more satisfied, and that increases the likelihood that they will come back and recommend the company to others. However, emotional work also has a downside. Employees who work this way are more prone to emotional exhaustion and burnout.

True, people who are forced to smile at work are at least paid to do so. And lately, the term “emotional service” has been used to describe situations where it’s offered for free. Here are a few examples:

A hot topic is being discussed in a company. One person has an opinion that does not agree with the majority of the meeting. He feels uncomfortable because he cannot speak out and must comply. But he remains silent, and not because he is afraid. He simply doesn’t want to provoke discontent, cause conflict, or upset anyone – “because we sit so well.”

Someone has come to the anniversary of his grandmother. A distant relative sits down with him and tells him that our hero is leading a false life, but that he will be told how to do it in a moment. The man realizes that his boundaries are being violated. He is uncomfortable, angry, or moved to tears. But he smiles and acknowledges the wisdom and care of his interlocutor with his expressions and promises to do as he says. Since it is a relative, how can she be offended?

The clerk rushes to the office but is stopped by a tourist who asks him to show him the way. Our hero knows that being late only means trouble. But he stops anyway, so as not to seem rude.

The man has had a rough day. A disaster at work, his grandmother is sick, and everything is bad. All he wants to do is lie under the covers and cry with helplessness. But his partner comes home sad. He was almost in the driveway when a car splashed him with water from a puddle. So he’s very, very angry. And the hero holds back his feelings and comforts the loved one because it’s hard enough for him to blame his problems on him.

These are not all such situations. They all have one thing in common: the person feels bad and unhappy but continues to serve the other person emotionally.

What is the difference between emotional service and politeness and caring?

The question arises: so what? Showing your partner the way and comforting him – these are normal phenomena, and sometimes you have to do it. But there is a nuance. Being polite and caring does not have to be accompanied by self-insult. You can do all of this with pleasure, or at least with more or less neutral feelings, without the performance of “doing everything for the other person to make him feel good.” You helped the person on the street, he thanked you, smiled, and you feel good. You comforted a loved one, and afterward, you are both satisfied with what happened.

Of course, life is difficult. And sometimes you have to rise above because someone next to you is feeling worse. It works when the relationship is in balance. Today one helps the other, and tomorrow the other helps the other.

If it’s a one-sided game, it doesn’t work that way. Because then we have a happy person (who, by the way, sometimes may not even ask or be aware of sacrifices for themselves) and their tired and burnt-out partner. Find your life partner and build a healthy relationship in the Christian app Eden, check this link right here now

Here, the creator of the term “emotional labor” herself explains the difference with an example.

Arlie Hochschild.

Professor of Sociology.

You have to distinguish what the purpose of your task is. Let’s say you want to please your mother-in-law, and that’s why you’re going to her house. Getting into a cab and ringing the doorbell is not emotional labor. But if the woman extremely disapproves of you, you feel it again in the first five minutes and have to defend your self-esteem against perceived insults – that’s emotional labor.

How a habit of emotional maintenance is formed

Emotional maintenance usually begins in childhood. Those who are raised to be “good” boys and girls who are comfortable are at risk.

Let’s say Aunt Masha comes to visit and wants to hug little Vanechka. And he feels uncomfortable being touched. But his mother whispers, “Go, or you will be offended.” And the boy endures the hug to make his relative feel good, even if he feels bad at that moment.

Or they say to the child, “What are you whining about? Daddy will come home from work tired and angry,” or “You talk so much that Mommy’s head will explode. You don’t want Mommy to die, do you?” Of course, she doesn’t want that, and the son or daughter begins to adjust his or her behavior just to please the parent.

Subsequently, such patterns are reinforced in various ways, and we carry them into adulthood. We can’t say no. We do what we “should” do instead of what we want to do.

Women and girls are especially at risk. Gender socialization implies they should be more patient, caring, calm, and attentive to their feelings. For this reason, they are held responsible for “the weather in the house.” Supposedly, they are obliged to care for the well-being and satisfaction of their housemates at any cost: to listen, to reconcile, to remember important events, to manage their schedule, and so on. To inspire – because a man’s success depends only on her. Finally, it simulates an orgasm so that the partner is not aroused.

And this does not only apply to intimate relationships. Catcalling, and harassment on the street, for example, often include a request for emotional services. The phrase, “Belle, why are you so sad? Smile!” can be a clumsy attempt to cheer up a passing girl. It’s a request to show an emotion she doesn’t feel. And most likely, she will. And the offer to meet her will be refused as gently as possible, even if the person is repugnant to her because a sharp “no” can even be fatal.

And professions that involve a lot of emotional work are usually considered typical women’s professions. And emotional labor is not usually perceived as part of the job and is therefore undervalued.

Of course, this does not mean that the problem of emotional labor is only a problem for women. “More common” doesn’t mean “only.”

What you can do to stop caring emotionally about those around you

First, the bad news: it’s unlikely that stopping emotional labor completely will work. There’s nothing particularly wrong with that. But if you’re just sacrificing yourself for the comfort of others, there is something to be done.

Listen to yourself.

An emotional person is usually good at figuring out what they can do to make the other person feel better. But they are very bad at figuring out how to comfort themselves because they don’t have much practice at it. And you have to.

put yourself first. So it’s a good time to get to know yourself.

Watch your reactions when you talk to people. When you’re uncomfortable, try to gauge what you’re doing and what you’d like to do – for example, listening to your parents’ tipsy guest at a family party and getting angry. You may interrupt him (albeit politely), but get up and leave.

Conduct a “debriefing.” What are you doing because you feel you have to, or because you are doing it for someone’s sake? What of it can you give up painlessly?

Start by establishing boundaries.

Personal boundaries help set the rules for how you can and cannot be treated. By building them, you will understand what behavior is unacceptable to you and stop it.

Learn to say no

No matter what you read in books as a child, the magic word is not “please,” but “no.” If you learn to use it, your life will be much better. You don’t even have to have a good reason for a negative answer every time, an “I don’t want to” is enough. However, you should be prepared because others have the right to say no. But a person who is used to serving others emotionally doesn’t seem to have excessive expectations in this regard.

Start small. Suppose a cab driver starts a strange conversation with you, you can tell him, “Excuse me, I need to get my thoughts in order. Can we drive in peace?” If your mother asks you to call your great aunt to wish her a happy 90th birthday, even though you’ve never seen her and probably never will again, say no. If someone tries to interrupt you while you’re walking and ask you something unnecessary, just keep walking.

Forgive yourself if you fail along the way.

From time to time, you will catch yourself thinking that you have once again chosen not to be yourself. Well, that’s okay. It’s not a mistake, it’s material for further work. What happened? Why did you do what you did? Could you have acted differently? What will you do next time in this situation? Ask yourself questions and look for answers. This is also a step in getting to know yourself.

Accept the possible consequences.

While you were emotionally concerned about those around you, you were a charming person. You were calm and relaxed in your surroundings because you selflessly provided that. As soon as you start thinking more about yourself, it will cause a reaction. Predominantly negative. And you need to be prepared for that. It may even seem like all is lost because instead of peace and grace in your relationship (not necessarily a partnership), there is now a lot of arguing and fighting.

That’s a good thing. You’re not comfortable anymore, and that means the rest of us to need to invest more in your communication. After a while, you will get to know each other and everything will be fine. If the relationship was just about emotional maintenance, why do you need it?